Email to a Family Friend

Dear C----,

What would you say to you if you were me, seeing you being unkind to yourself?

I understand that alcoholism is a physical addiction, and that your brain has rewired itself to depend on alcohol to feel good, but its just a brain, they are just feelings and memories, you are so much more than that, C-----.

There are decisions you can make, to accept support, to forgive yourself, to move on.  Whatever is holding you back in your life is an illusion. You are willing to listen to and talk about anything, but are you willing to try anything? Or is it just intentions? 

Your upbringing sounds terrible, and I see you are treating yourself according to how you were treated, but you are wiser than that.  You are worthy of love C----, and you are able to love, and you know you are, and you know that this world is short on people who can really love.  

You alone have the power to change the score, and if you set your mind to it, it’s a sure bet.

Please put yourself in positive situations, set yourself up for success, surround yourself with loving, positive people and clean yourself up so you can be present when others need your help, because that is the most important thing.

I don’t hate you C----, I love you, and care for you, as I would any human being, but especially you because you were kind to me and helped me, and have helped others and are a person who has made so many kind and loving decisions.  But as soon I I see you drinking and see your disorientation and hear about how unreliable you can be, I can’t connect with you, I can’t trust you to be clear or logical or loving, and it hurts.  It’s like your a drowning person and I don’t want t reach out my hand and get pulled in.  You need to swim, you need to grab onto a life preserver (something that makes life worth living, some kind of support system) and keep swimming towards the boat, swim, swim, swim over the feelings of despair and need and pain, fight them, but fight them smartly- fight them in advance, by letting other people help you, by putting yourself in positive situations, by staying moving.

I don’t expect this note to change your life, but I hope it can be PART of the change, because it’s taken me a lot to write this, and to risk saying all these things, and I sure wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think it MIGHT make a difference.

Love,

D----

Oct 9th 11:15 PM Thoughts about current girlfriend

"Hey- I thought about what you said- I don't think it's worth either of our time trying, I have different habits and philosophies and 

I don't like the way you communicate, you strike me as a bit lazy and immature, slightly entitled sometimes, on the other hand, very sociable and personable, caring 

even hitler had a girlfriend

its hard because I think about all the good times we had, but then 

 I had no idea you cared this much, I guess thats part of it

(like why wren't you expressing it all along?)

you need to mature and grow, and on your own"

Thoughts about May 15th 10:36 AM

I feel like I can't really say what I feel- which is "unackbolwdged, untrusted"

Because you:

Are unwilling to be real

Don't respect me as an individual

Are self- centered 

Play games

I Don't want to talk to you

That's the real message you've sent me- I'm not good enough/ ready enough, deserving enough to be trusted or treated with respect. 

So nancy I'd rather just ignore you- you are t papotfe or real, a net drain, you suck 

You treat me like a child and reinforce a dependent incapable image with the language and behavior you extend to me

Evolving lines about a date May 28th, 10:45 PM

your perfume (although not natural) was light and lustrous, faintly floral and made it feel like I was kissing a soft blossom. the world inside our mouths was a bubble in time and space and our tongues danced in the emptiness. 

I kissed a soft blossom and

inside the bubble two tongues danced

about the empty space

yes yes, forget about all that, you’re hot, what’s not to love (message to self about sentimentality)

Two tongues danced in a bubble of soft blossoms

New Years Eve 2013

New Years Eve 2013

dance dance dance

oh look at the time- (145? last train at 2?)

where are my friends? phone call received- we're on the way to the train, hurry up!

where is my jacket with keys? not to be found

look around look around and get down

on knees 

to look around some more

against the flow of people being evicted- closing time, frantic search, rapid fire questioning

cut losses, kiss lady, run down the street, 

zoom, nothing here but a drunk dressed up man running, running

following the phone, running running

i approach the station, glass outer door closing, inside train still there!

rap on the glass- station person: sorry its already leaving

NOOOOOO

call friends- don't know what to do- taxi? too expensive it seemed (though in retrospect…)

by fluke an extra loose key to my empty apartment in my pocket, so...

BART! last bart at 3!  run down the street, 15 blocks, made it- last bart waiting

tired, some teenagers say the rudest things about mints 

"mints are for fags" while some other people eating mints, talking about trading mints for some collectible thing

how randomly inciteful

i think about saying something, obviously not worth it  (your mom is for fags came to mind, but don't fight fire with fire, right)

i get off the train ashby station- now just 15 blocks to home, 

the passengers disembark and scatter

i walk, the night drags on,

nervous, unsafe, dark

self-aware

i walk and walk and walk

so different by foot the route

Home, locked door, safe haven

not so safe from the cold

cold, dark, hard

not a thing around

NOT A THING except a half damp towel in the bathroom becomes a pillow

no heater, hardwood floor, no jacket

huddled in a corner

hours go by wake shivering 4 am

can't stand it anymore

decide to take hot bath

spend next 4 hours in bath, water on and off, in and out

time for this raisin to get up-

phone- almost dead

call… "mom, …"

bart- closed?!

walk back

call mom

bart not closed?

toes basically bleeding

walk back

take bart

get off

mom there, with sis

aye carumba

now getting my car

400 dollars on NY Day for Key?!

wait a day leaving in my friend's driveway and unable to get to work?

AAA- 100 instead of usual ()

alright its worth it

set it up

wait in driveway

taking long time

walking back and forth

weeding their lawn

talk to friend's mom and old friend

say goodbye, hello, what happened last night? (later realized they were  coked up off random smack, never helps)

talk to friends mom, mother figure, friendly advice, future business, awkward pretenses with old friend haven't seen in a while, (she's really on best behavior, passive aggressive is the norm)

key guy comes, makes key, can go

say goodbye

the nightmare is… a funny adventure

2008-x-x Song: Many dreams have been dead

I think it was over summer 2008 that I wrote this, while I was going nowhere, working at the dining halls at UC Berkeley and wasting my time.  I started with the first line and took it from there.  It seems to me, like many of my poems and songs to have a certain choppy indifference, I like the symbolism, but it's lacking, maybe it's a dream that died itself, haha.  It was influenced by Graceland by Paul Simon and Sweet Child of Mine by GNR.  It seemed so epic when I wrote it, that's what marijuana can do, marijuana, depression and romantic attachment- the kind of love that muses about it's certain failure, instead of sticking your dick out-- metaphorically-- and going for it.  This is not how to rock out with your cock out, its how to be sad, trying to gain consolation from beauty, cold beauty though, not warm wavy chaotic beauty.  It's overly passive, and obviously depressing, though it ends with an ambiguous sentiment.

MANY DREAMS HAVE BEEN DEAD
Many dreams, have been dead my girl

Spilled from my head hang halfway in words

no longer stir, sit- still on the sill of the

win-dow to my soul.

Where do I go- where do I go from here?

Ferry me to Pharos,

Cast off veiling shadows,

now I see what matters,

Meet me at the meadow

Amid serene green scenery

we'll find meaning in the machinery

underlying our lives.

You helped make my escape,

from the lonely valley.

Down some unknown back alley,

we'll dodge and duck,

and learn from our mistakes.

Redeem my soul astray,

Rid me of my evil ways,

Inspire me the courage to change,

Provide me wise words to say.

MANY dreams HAVE BEEN dead STILL I dream SOME MORE

(refrain)

2007-6ish-x: Aubade for a Sleepyhead

Written sometime when I was on ADD meds (as I was from age 10-22), sometime after my grandma died in 2006, but before I really got stubborn about failing.  After the initial stoner phase, but before the real depression and flirting with self-destruction that came with later substance dependence.  It speaks out to my romantic side, to the desire that I would have someone to say such cute things to, but its rather self-aggrandizing as well, as if to say "look at me and how sexy and cute I can be"- I think I was insecure at the time, but not necessarily depressed.  It was a foreshadow of the passive dependence romanticism that came out later.  I still like it a lot and hope I get to sing it to a sleeping beauty sometime, someone who knows all about me, and still loves me, and but wouldn't dream of saving me.  Haha, so I'm looking for acceptance now, not salvation.  Is healthy love based on, in part,  of putting yourself out there to be accepted?  But not SEEKING acceptance or approval-- especially from anyone in particular-- it certainly could be!

Aubade For A Sleepyhead
(starts with faint delicate guitar picking, gradually speeds up with the intent of waking my lovely sleeping lover)

You've got to wake up some-time, sunshine
There's a new day waiting for you and me,
Not a cloud in the sky to be seen
nothing but bluuuue between
two siiiides of the horiiiizon
warm summer breeze is quite inviting
so I say to you, "It's time to be risin'"

[faster to slower picking]

The rooster crowed, hours ago
So let's go, get this show on the road.
You're so cute, curled like fetal in womb,
but it's time you unfurled like a petal in bloom.

The sun's already hoisted halfway in-to the sky,
it'll be noon soon, we CAN'T stay cloistered INside

[slower to faster picking]

Should I put ice on your nose?
Should I tickle your toes?
Do you need a quick bath?
Should I pour you a glass?  (((coffee or hair of the dog or whatever you're having)))
Can I massage your back?
I'm gonna PINCH YOUR ASS!!!!  (just added this line as I wrote this blog post)

The song is over now, so get dressed you sleepyhead,
The song is over now, so get dressed you sleepyhead,
(I'm gonna sing this refrain til you get up out of bed!)
The song is over now, so get dressed you sleepyhead,