2006-9-26ish Poem: Listless Ends

I wrote this poem just after my grandmother died and a particularly attractive girl cut me off from seeing her anymore (in retrospect the break-off was well-deserved).  The silhouette in the poem represents both-- people I would no longer see; definitely in the case of my grandmother, and probably in the case of the girl.  I was on ADD meds and smoking marijuana at the time and presented a fairly unstable and unreasonable position to this Beautiful Mermaid Selkie, which no reasonable person would have dealt with.  She represented a kind of higher ideal I was struggling to meet, an upper class if you will, and I felt I would fall short, but struggled to be worthy, and then did fall short (at least that's the narrative I held at the time).  What I learned: well my biggest regret is having these negative/painful/unpleasant memories in someones else's mind, knowing that I caused them, knowing that I am associated with negativity, aversion, etc.   I wish I could have given her more joy, I regret not leaving earlier, fighting the inevitable, letting my ego make a fool of me.  I was acting in a passive aggressive way, an partially intellectual way, argumentative and unpleasant, irresponsible way, compensating for problems in other areas of my life.  The biggest lesson--  a relationship will reflect the rest of your life, so take care of your stuff-- make great friendships, develop yourself, read, lose yourself in something bigger, break free of your childhood patterns, and then a relationship will naturally reflect positive things, and if it doesn't it-- will be much easier to leave, because you don't feel like you need it, you feel strong and on a roll.  This poem also casts a passive tone at the supposed inevitability of friendships falling apart, indicating my depression and pessimism of the moment.
In terms of content, the underlying phonetics drove the composition and the semantics barely fell into place- I had no actual visual silhouette I was recollecting, I was speaking of no particular fallen friends; it was hypothetical, manufactured drama, reflecting my lameass passive attitude towards the future more than describing the past.   It is interesting that I was with my mom walking around our yard as I was composing it in my mind, almost as if my mother offered no comfort.   It was winter- cold, dark- and the sound of cars on the freeway not too far off seemed to drown everything out:

Listless Ends

And it's times like these--
Flush face brushed by flowing breeze,
Churning murmur,
Ocean's roar in the distance--
that I most miss your existence
I'll STILL never forge-et
YOUR silhouette
as we walked through the trees...

Fallen friends,
our ships meet listless ends,
mist descends,
and they ARE lost at sea.

I open my ey-es,
dark empty sky.
Humming highway drone,
humdrum and
cold to the bone.